a self-portrait

right now i’m taking susannah conway’s photo meditations class, and this week’s assignment is self-portraiture. (by the way, i totally recommend susannah’s e-classes. and i should know. i’ve taken all of them.)

aside from the technical difficulties of trying to take your own picture and yearning to create a beautiful, unique shot, self-portraiture usually brings up a lot of stuff. the issues bubbling at the bottom of the ocean. the ones that swim up to the surface randomly when you’re tired and you start crying because you dropped the ketchup bottle and it splattered all over the floor. or when you’re in the cashier’s line and you forget to pick up your favorite cereal. and then you start berating yourself under your breath for being so incompetent. yes, you know the kind.

it’s the issues of how you feel about your face, your body, your core self. these things can come up when you’re looking, really looking at yourself in the mirror. when you examine your pursed lips, harried-looking hazel eyes, newly formed blemishes, your father’s nose and your pale cheeks and sun-made freckles. that’s when you get a bit closer to really, really seeing yourself.

it doesn’t have to be negative; it might be curious. maybe you start dissecting your face or venturing past the physical attributes to look inside to your feelings, thoughts, wishes.

for the class i decided to take several photos of my face wearing just lipstick. (as i’m re-reading this, i realized that i’ve given the impression that i’m only wearing lipstick and nothing else. as you can tell, i’m happily clothed, though brian did suggest i experiment with nudity — if no one would see the images, of course.)

i chose the lipstick for a reason. my lips are the focal point. the heart of my face. that’s because, today, my lips, are speaking. they’re not hiding or keeping still or keeping quiet. like they did before.

years ago, i would’ve never worn a bright-colored lipstick. i’d be too self-conscious or too serious, too focused on what others thought. years ago, i would’ve rarely spoken up for myself. or truly listened to what i wanted. years ago, i didn’t understand what having self-compassion or a secure sense of self meant.

don’t get me wrong, i still have my hangups, my fears, my insecurities, my holy-crap-i-suck moments. but wearing this lipstick feels liberating. so liberating to say to the world that i’m ok with who i am. and genuinely believe it. genuinely breathe this in and out.

sure, it’s just lipstick. and i realize that some women wear lipstick to say the exact opposite because they can’t leave the house without first feeling acceptable with their glosses and shadows.

but for me, my bright pink or rich red lipstick is liberation.

an expert i recently interviewed for an article on self-esteem described positive self-esteem as a quiet gladness to be who you are. i love that. doesn’t that just sound liberating?

it’s making peace with yourself, with your flaws. it’s knowing that you’ll make mistakes like the human being that you are and being there for yourself when you do inevitably drop the ball.

it’s knowing that you have warts but respecting, loving and appreciating yourself despite them. or maybe even because of them.

it’s taking out the camera and letting curiosity guide the lens. so you can play, experiment and have fun with discovering your reflection. regardless of the wrinkles, blemishes and scars.

Tagged as: lipstick, photo meditations, self-compassion, self-discovery, self-esteem, self-portraiture, sense of self